Or maybe I am just the problem
Being polyamorous in your early 20s is quite an experience to say the least. I am not sure if it is the unfinished frontal lobe, arent they saying that does not even wrap up until your 30s now??? Or if it is just my own personal build of BPD, hypersexuality, and self destructive decision making. Either way, it has mostly resulted in problems. The kind that follow you into D&D sessions.
Poly sounds very cool at first, I mean who WOULDNT want to fuck all their best friends!?! In reality, for me, it has mostly been impulsive, and occasionally humiliating.
The Gundam incident
The first girl was peak early college experience. We got high. We watched MLP. I bought her a Gundam because I wanted to impress her (and because I wanted to fuck her.) My motivations were just purely horny and optimistic.
Instead of anything good happening, because why would it, she kissed my girlfriend without asking for consent. My girlfriend was distressed. Which makes sense. Being high is not a free trial for ignoring boundaries.
So I unfollowed her. My girlfriend blocked her. And she responded by spiraling on Twitter and claiming that every other poly person she knew just slept around without communicating, so it was not her fault. Which is bold. Incorrect, but bold. That one ended with subtweets and the general feeling of social contamination. Friendship ruined all because none of us had the emotional maturity to handle what we were doing. At least she was just a high school classmate I didnt know very well!
The 42 year old man who should have known better
Then there was the 42 year old. I was 18. Freshly. Which in hindsight is already enough information.
He had weed and experience, literally everything I cared about at that time. He had that older detached confidence that makes you feel interesting by association. We hooked up. We got really fucked up. We ate junk food at 1am and had a lot of sex.
Then he would casually talk about his 14 year old daughter. Just like drop it in between flirting and foreplay??? I would sit there, barely legal, listening to a man more than twice my age talk about custody schedules. The free weed and sex stopped feeling good. Soooo I ghosted him LOL. Not mature! But what can I do now in retrospective. It was easier than articulating that the entire dynamic felt slightly predatory even if I technically agreed to it.
The only good experiment
The third try was a very close friend. Shockingly, this one did not implode. Yes, I took another person’s virginity. That makes three total. I do not know why this keeps happening. I do not think it is a flex. It feels more like a weird recurring side quest.
There was genuine affection there. We already trusted each other. The sex itself was fine. Not good? Just normal.
The problem was the structure around the actual relationship part. They were always busy and always late, so plans felt like suggestions. Every time I tried to define boundaries or expectations, it was just “idk.” Which sounds harmless until you realize it means nothing is grounded in anything. I need at least the illusion of structure.
Eventually I left because it felt like I was the only one trying to make it make sense. We are chill now. Which feels suspiciously healthy compared to the rest of this list. I still like them. That part is inconvenient but true.
The crash and burn
The fourth was also a friend. This time though was catastrophic. From the outside, it probably looked fine. From the inside, it felt like constant emotional triage. They were volatile. Every issue in their life somehow became my responsibility. Boundaries would materialize after they were crossed. Rules would shift mid argument. I was always somehow failing a test I did not know I was taking.
Money was a whole separate nightmare. The second they had any, it was gone on blind boxes and commissions they could not afford. Sometimes it was my money. I would say we cannot afford this. And get “but its REDACTED!!!” over and over as if that resolved anything. I am careful with my finances. Watching someone burn through cash like that made my skin crawl.
Then there was the lovebombing. The constant reassurance. The expectation of multiple texts a day just to keep them stable. I do not have that bandwidth. I barely have that bandwidth for myself.
Sex was worse. I took their virginity too. They had never even masturbated before. The entire time they laughed awkwardly. No engagement or visible desire. But they said they liked it??? From the outside it felt like they were forcing themselves to participate. Every time we had sex, I felt gross. Like I was crossing a line that technically had verbal consent but emotionally did not. It was the worst sex I have ever had.
When our relationship ended, it ended in a crash and burn. I was accused of being dismissive when I broke up with them for lying about something serious and all the above problems. I was told I destroyed trust. Meanwhile we still orbit the same social spaces, still show up to the same games, still exist in this weird half friendship that feels more like logistics.
Toward the end of it all, they tried to restrict me from being with anyone else at all by taking a friend of mine away. They reframed events in ways that did not match my memory of them. When I responded with basic nuance, that was apparently dismissive. Nightmare. Nightmare. Nightmare.
Somehow I still have a primary partner
Through all of this, I still have my primary partner. Thank you for staying. Genuinely. I do not know how you watched this rotating cast of disasters and did not just walk away. I am not sure I will ever find someone more suited to me than you are.
Polyamory in my early 20s has felt like amplifying every unstable trait I already had. It has made shared spaces awkward and turned what should have been fun into emotional maintenance work. Maybe this is just what happens when you mix unfinished brain development with attachment issues and too much freedom. Or maybe I am just really good at picking the worst possible scenarios and calling it growth.